Friday, May 09, 2008

i get so much out of my conversations with people. i talked today to this guy and i realised something, something that i have been puzzling over for so many days.

I used to be a very warm person. I used to be friendly, and enthusiastic. And now I have time on my hands to think about things.. and I realize that I’m jaded. And quite a cynic. And not a little .. detached. I’m still sensitive and empathetic; I realize when people are hurting, and I do my best to help. But at the end of the day, im still detached.
It comes from being lonely, I think. You’re lonely, and then you get used to being alone, and then you’re self-sufficient alone. You don’t need anyone else. I don’t need anyone.. else.
I used to need people! I remember two years ago when I first started feeling lonely, I used to deliberately go out of the house the whole weekend just to be out, be around people. And now.. I actually shun contact! I’m happy shopping alone, eating alone, watching movies alone, I say no to people when they want to hang out. I’m actually happy alone! I always was a bit of a loner, but this is a lot, even for me.
There are these people I know, who think I am one of their closest friends. And funny thing is – I am! I go through all the motions, I listen to them, I talk, I participate, I even tell my stories. But I don’t feel. And I wonder what is wrong with me.. cos there was a time when I felt too much. Whats wrong with me? When did I become so detached, so aloof, so.. unaffected? There would have been a time when I would have welcomed friend, with the amount of shit I had. But now.. I’m used to dealing with it alone. I’m even happier alone.
There are very few people who really know me now. There are such few people I care about. Such incredibly few people. I feel lucky that there are people who I still care about; worrying for someone else makes me think I have some vestiges of the old me inside somewhere. sometimes i feel proud.. so inordinately proud! and that makes me feel like I still care, a little bit :)

And perhaps this was, is a survival technique. It is one, probably and one that I will need more in the days to come; a protective cover of self-sufficiency and a lack of emotional dependence. But its also very sad..
You get some and you lose some, this guy said to me today as we talked. It’s an advantage and a liability. But I didn’t even get to know when I made the exchange. And never got the chance to see whether I wanted to be this person I have now become.
I am still a decent human being. Still around for people when they need me. But I’m so detached! (I realize im using that word too often, but I cant seem to find a better one.)
And I can’t help thinking I’ve lost something precious, something incredibly important. Something that once made me who I was. And I’m scared that the world I’m going to see, the world I’m going to be in.. for the next few years, is going to demand that I become more detached, more aloof, more self contained. And I’m scared of becoming someone I don’t want to be.


Nimpipi said...

i could post my email respose here, but you already know it.

Atish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Atish said...

as someone who's used to living day in day out with at least 3/4 ppl around.. i dont Know how it is to live alone.. I think i like the fact that i can withdraw to my room whenever i feel like with the assurance that my friends are in the next room and i can go for a casual chit-chat whenever i feel like. i know of ppl who wud skip dinner than have it alone.. im not that extreme tho :)
but ya .. i guess it boils down to the individual and her surroundings.. survival techniques, as u mentioned.. and the win some lose some thing ur friend said...

Lots of honesty in the post tho.. Nice :)

Wanderer said...

deja vu :)

cathatfished said...

@wanderer -

really?? please, then, write about it :) would love to get another person's perspective, cos this bothers me a fair bit.

artsygirl said...

Hi Cat that fished
I feel for you because I sort if feel the same way myself. I believe mine has to with the fear and numbness that exist together as a result of painful divorce/ painful relationship. This feeling is fairly new to me (6mos) but I definitey identify with finding ease and comfort in being alone/spening time with self. I do feel that it is beneficial to engage in some friend interaction/support of others, but that jaded feeling is there and I wonder if i will ever dare enter into another intimate relationship again. I dont think its a good thing to feel disassociated , but I still feel as if I am in a phase of healing/sorting things out/going inward. Perhaps you might take a look at what could have caused you to feel this way. I sure hope I am not always this way, but I do wonder and it causes me concern. Im sorry i dont have an answer for you, but if you would like to sare your feelings. I am open to conversing/ :)