i get so much out of my conversations with people. i talked today to this guy and i realised something, something that i have been puzzling over for so many days.
I used to be a very warm person. I used to be friendly, and enthusiastic. And now I have time on my hands to think about things.. and I realize that I’m jaded. And quite a cynic. And not a little .. detached. I’m still sensitive and empathetic; I realize when people are hurting, and I do my best to help. But at the end of the day, im still detached.
It comes from being lonely, I think. You’re lonely, and then you get used to being alone, and then you’re self-sufficient alone. You don’t need anyone else. I don’t need anyone.. else.
I used to need people! I remember two years ago when I first started feeling lonely, I used to deliberately go out of the house the whole weekend just to be out, be around people. And now.. I actually shun contact! I’m happy shopping alone, eating alone, watching movies alone, I say no to people when they want to hang out. I’m actually happy alone! I always was a bit of a loner, but this is a lot, even for me.
There are these people I know, who think I am one of their closest friends. And funny thing is – I am! I go through all the motions, I listen to them, I talk, I participate, I even tell my stories. But I don’t feel. And I wonder what is wrong with me.. cos there was a time when I felt too much. Whats wrong with me? When did I become so detached, so aloof, so.. unaffected? There would have been a time when I would have welcomed friend, with the amount of shit I had. But now.. I’m used to dealing with it alone. I’m even happier alone.
There are very few people who really know me now. There are such few people I care about. Such incredibly few people. I feel lucky that there are people who I still care about; worrying for someone else makes me think I have some vestiges of the old me inside somewhere. sometimes i feel proud.. so inordinately proud! and that makes me feel like I still care, a little bit :)
And perhaps this was, is a survival technique. It is one, probably and one that I will need more in the days to come; a protective cover of self-sufficiency and a lack of emotional dependence. But its also very sad..
You get some and you lose some, this guy said to me today as we talked. It’s an advantage and a liability. But I didn’t even get to know when I made the exchange. And never got the chance to see whether I wanted to be this person I have now become.
I am still a decent human being. Still around for people when they need me. But I’m so detached! (I realize im using that word too often, but I cant seem to find a better one.)
And I can’t help thinking I’ve lost something precious, something incredibly important. Something that once made me who I was. And I’m scared that the world I’m going to see, the world I’m going to be in.. for the next few years, is going to demand that I become more detached, more aloof, more self contained. And I’m scared of becoming someone I don’t want to be.