For Ma

I’m more hurt than angry. Its difficult, to deal with this, too many things are going wrong, too many things are... uncertain, and for me that’s the toughest thing. I don’t feel like giving up, I never have given up on something I have set my heart on…I’ve never been a defeatist. but this is getting hard.
What do I say, you know how it is. But it hurts when other people get the work I want to do, when I know I can do better than them; and the hurt is worse when there is no hope to redeem it… I may never do the work I want to do, although I know I am good at it and although others know it too.. sometimes life hands you too many lemons. What can I say, who can I blame? I just wish life was more.. just :( I’ve worn rose tinted glasses too long I think.. and reality is hitting hard. I’m tired, exhausted, I want a few days when I don’t have to think.. I need a break. But that seems to be the hardest thing to come by, now :( I’m worried and well, I know its inconsequential to worry about things I can’t change! But how can you ask me not to worry, to be hurt when there is so much I want and I can see it being given away when I know I deserve to have it…! Life sometimes can be too unfair… I just cant understand it. How long will this last?
Sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who would be happy without thinking too much, who didn’t really Want.. as much as I do. But then I’d be a different person altogether.. and although this is painful.. I guess I’d rather have the pain than the feeling of knowing that I never tried.
Its worse to try to talk to you about it, I know you worry! And that’s the worst bit! I can deal with the worry myself, but knowing that you are worried about me makes me feel that I have let you down.. and its very difficult to live with that. I’ve never believed I am the sort of person who does things to live up to other people’s expectations – but then I’ve never let you down before :)
I’ scared, of course I’m scared! And more so than you, whatever you might say. Its my life, isn’t it? If it doesn’t work I’ll be the one left crying!
Please don’t worry.. even if I’m sad, even if I whine.. or cry. I just need to have you here. Nothing more. I know you worry about me; but I’m just in pain.. you understand that, don’t you? Don’t make me give up, please. I would hate myself for that. I guess you’re only a loser when you give up. I want to try, I need to try, and although I may well not make it, I’d still like to try! Give me that. The pain wanes, and the pain would be worse if I didn’t have the hope that adds some steel to my spine – the dull ache of compromise hurts more than stumbling, falling, learning. Let me try.